Don't really know how to say this.
Every single one of you mean so much to me. You might not believe me, and I don't blame you, but I want you to know that I really do think of you as my friends.
Let me explain why I did this. Why I kept Padlock's true identity a secret, and allowed Delta to infiltrate our ranks.
The guy's had some sort of obsession with me for a while now. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I'm supposed to be "the best fan" or some shit like that? What
a fucking joke. I never deserved that title, especially not now. But it was always me. I was the one he invited into his tea time conversations. I was the one he
sent random pieces of information to, like Rasputin's name, like some sort of weird taunt. And I was the one he tried to get to spy for him. I suppose that in a way
he succeeded with that last one, huh? When I confronted him about Padlock's message being traced back to him, he seemed glad I knew. Like he WANTED me to know.
Our "host," Xeno, is way too powerful. When she managed to somehow OVERWRITE what Gods was saying, I realized just how little we actually know about her abilities.
Think about it. We've just been going along with this narrative this whole time, meddling with causality, but all we really know about the situation is what she
tells us. How do we know we have the full story? How do we know Xeno isn't just using us to accomplish some agenda of her own? It's seems pretty clear that she's
hiding information from us, and that freaks me the fuck out. Not even Seabiscuit knows anything about her. We don't trust Gods because he has these creepy and
enigmatic abilities that we don't understand, and we don't really know what his true motives are. Same with Theo, and Vampire, and Pancake, and to a lesser extent
Rasputin. Even when we work with them, we don't trust them, and rightly so, because we don't know shit about them except that they have superpowers. But in this
equation, the biggest unknown quantity is the person who's been sending us chat logs this whole time, and I can't be the only person who realizes how terrifyingly,
absolutely fucked-up that is.
Like it or not (and trust me, I fall very squarely into the latter category), we need to recognize that Delta might be the only one who can give us some means of
piecing the truth together for ourselves. He can see everything we can see, but he's not reliant on Xeno for information like we are. She isn't sending him logs.
As far as I can tell, none of the rest of us have that ability. Maybe DeepDark, but I haven't heard from them for ages. For the rest of us, if one day Xeno suddenly
decides to stop sending us logs then we'd basically be blind. Locked out. Unable to influence the world at all. Have any of you ever wondered why it seems like a
lot of us seem to drop off the face of the earth after only a couple of days? We've all been assuming they just lose interest, or get banned by Gods for some reason,
or maybe there's a glitch in Etamnanki. But think about it. Aren't the ones who usually vanish the quickest also the most impulsive, the ones who immediately message
Chess Club members and start giving away too much information? Have you ever thought that maybe Xeno cuts them off? That could happen to any of us. I'm probably
kicked off the mailing list already, now that you know what I did. But Delta knows how to bypass that. He manages to access the logs without her permission, somehow.
And we need to figure out how to do that too, if we want the freedom to do what we feel is right without Xeno's approval. That's the main reason why I didn't tell the
Vague Omnipresent Council that Padlock was Delta when I figured it out. I made him agree to show me how to bypass Xeno. I suppose if he renegs, this is the last you'll
ever hear from me.
Now, I don't want you guys to think I sold you out completely. Delta could have really fucked us over, and he didn't. He could have actively sabotaged our projects, or
gone and tried to reveal our existence to the Chess Club again. We might not have lucked out the second time. Making sure he didn't do that was one of the terms of the
exchange. I'd keep his secret, and he'd keep ours. Just, please try to remember that, okay?
Heh. I seem to always be the one responsible for bad shit happening to us. Best fan my ass. After Delta sold us out the first time, I couldn't help but blame myself. As
is usually the case, when he contacted me I ran my mouth off and acted all abrasive and indiscrete, and I know that pissed him off. I couldn't help but think if I'd shut
my mouth and been a bit more cooperative, it wouldn't have happened. That's also part of the reason why I went along with it this time. But I still feel like shit.
I'm sorry, guys. If I learn how to go freelance like Delta can I'll try to teach you, if you'll let me. If not, it's been nice knowing you. If Sonja notices my absence, just tell her I died or something. It's better than the truth. READ THE FIRST LETTER OF EVERY LINE.